A Pest I befriended

I go for guitar lessons. I think I am the oldest student there. Older than the teacher. But of course younger than the mountains as mentioned in some old song. There are kids, working people and me.

Then there is this kid who took up the lessons not to learn it. It is as if he is out there to teach a lesson as to why one should think twice about having kids. He doesn't have a shape. If he has a neck, he hides it well. His hair sticks out. He walks around all the time talking to anyone that will pay him the slightest attention. If attention is lacking, he tries hard to remedy the situation.

I am not good with kids. I keep my distance with them. So it was natural I eyed this particular kid wearily. He has the habit of coming and asking me time more than once every class. I dislike distractions. So I look him and give the time in the most formal way. A lot of looking and less of talking. He also becomes reflective, as if he is listening to a lecture in class on a difficult topic. Ah, before he ask his question about what time it is, he stand behind me and breath down my neck. Heavy breathing. How dare he try to make friends with me, who is around 40 years older than him? Things got really sticky when he touched my guitar. I have a problem with rage as it is. I can't shout at him or even hiss at him. I got over all that in the past. I am angry at myself now. I give him one of those looks which I have for special occasions like these. It makes people unsure.

Later, I think about this and feel ashamed at my behavior. He is just a small kid and is NOT a threat to me. Why should I feel like this? He is not likely to be irritating me on purpose. If I get irritated and angry, it is because I can't control my own thoughts. Long story short, now I am friendly with the chap. I know his name and when he comes around for his 2 sentence dialogue, I give him 2 of my own. He takes time to think and answer but it is okay. I even asked him to play a song he learned (eventually) and gave him valuable feedback in the most gentle way. That his notes are all okay. He only needs to speed up just a tiny bit

And I don't feel irritated by him anymore. He is a little friend, of course kept at a little distance. God bless him. 

.........................................................


I opened up about him in a negative way only to show that I was finding faults with him from the get go and that was also a big part of the problem.

Handling Kids Like a Pro. - For guys

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* Ignore them.

* If you can't, try not to look directly at them.

* Avoid eye contact. This is important.

* If you make eye contact, they will soon smile at you. DO NOT smile back. Keep your face expressionless.

* If you smile back, expect them to come close and start one of their small talk. Try to reply in a word or two at most. Ideally grunt for replies.

Additional tips

If it is babies,

* Don't go anywhere near them.

* If your brother/sister or favorite nephew/niece is bringing their baby when they visit, don't let them catch you sitting. There is a chance they might place the baby on your lap.

* Stay on your feet. Ideally, keep the hands in your pockets or clasp them tightly behind you. It is human nature to extend arms when something is offered. You don't want to fall in to that trap.

* In the extreme case they try to put it like a lock around your neck, grit your teeth and close your eyes and pray.

My Arabian Nights

I have been away from hereabouts for several days. In case anyone was wondering what happened to me, here it is.

Last week I was looking up on the web to see where I could buy an LED flash light. That is how I got to that site where hundreds of such lights were listed.After browsing for a few minutes, I started to get a headache. How is one to make a decision? Did I need a pocket lamp?headlamp? Headlight? Search light? Davy's safety lamp? Mary's little lamp? I was tired and was planning to come look another day when this particular listing caught my eye. It was just an old looking lamp which obviously didn't need batteries but was powered by oil. It was cheap and the listing was by a certain Vizier17 or something. I thought to myself, " Here's is one whiz kid, who is putting himself through school. He has to pay up the fees for the coming examination and the poor kid is penniless and now has to sell his granma's dear old lamp to raise the necessary sum!"

That is how I ended up with that lamp in my hand that evening.  I was eyeing it and turning it this way and that while thinking kindly thoughts about the whiz kid. Suddenly I heard a " POOF!! " There was some minor fireworks in the room.  And once the dust settled down, there was this bearded, thuggish guy standing over me quivering as if he were some kind of flame. To say I was startled would be an understatement. It was MY room, so I was holding the moral high ground and so proceeded to demand explanations from the fellow.

" Hey, look here!! What is the idea of intruding like this? You almost scared the shittoutofme there, coming in like that!! And if you think you can rob me, you are going to look silly when you find out I am all broke right now! "

" I beg your pardon for your consternation, Huzoor. You see, I am the genie that haunt the lamp you are holding in your hands. When you rub it in that special way, I am supposed to jump out and ask you what you need!! " 

" You mean you are one of those genies that come out of bottles and lamps and grant wishes? "

" Yes, Huzoor. Your wish is my command. What do I do for you now? You said you are broke. How about some diamonds and pearls? At least some gold or silver? "

" Nah, that won't work. The government is not going to like that. Things have changed a lot while you were sitting in that lamp all this time. May be sackfuls of local currency, someday when I have a safe place to keep it. All unmarked and of non sequential numbers, of course. By the way, what do I call you, genie? "

" My name is Djinn, Huzoor "

" That is an odd name and one rather difficult to pronounce. Are you sure about that D? Could it be silent? "

" As you wish, Huzoor "

" Okay Jinn, now I am glad to know that you are around to grant me anything I may wish for but we have a small problem. I don't remember how exactly I rubbed that time to bring you out. And I may not be able to get you out the next time. Don't this thing has an instruction manual, describing the correct procedure? "

" No problem, Huzoor "

And he proceeded to pull out a book titled, " Magic lamp procedures for Dummies " from thin air and handed it to me. While I was idly leafing through the manual, I asked him if he mostly handled precious stones and metals to give away to people like me. He said talking parrots, camels laden with diamonds and dancing girls were also in great demand. I said I wouldn't mind a dancing girl
right now, without much hope, you know.

POOF! POOF!!

Djinn and the Arabian princess were in my midst.

I dismissed Djinn for the night and proceeded to get acquainted with the girl. To break the ice, I told her that she better be not boring. To impress her, I lied to her that it is my custom to behead boring girls next morning. If she didn't believe me, she only needed to look up in that big book over there, 1001 Arabian Nights.

" Pooh! You don't seem to be the kind that can afford a blade for yourself, for a much needed shave " , said she, all derision.

I told her that it is not a problem. My man Djinn can get me a sword in an instant if I only wished for it. Did she want confirmation from Djinn?

The confirmation came instantly from the other side of the door, where the faithful fellow was keeping guard not to miss anything. So I asked him why don't he use his time for something else other than eavesdropping outside my door. Like, why not go online and catch up with what was happening in this world while he was sleeping in that darn lamp? And he floats away.

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Early morning comes and I wish for a strong coffee. While sipping the coffee, I address the first problem of the day. The girl has to go as the landlord is touchy about these things. Till I have my own palace and harem, she will have to make daily trips. Thinking about the construction project, I ask  Jinn if he can take up the project. He says he can build it in an instant but he is powerless in getting the permissions from the local officials.

So, you see, I am kind of busy these days..

Why I won't ...

          I was back home after visiting some place. I came back with a headache and was dreaming of taking a nap shortly after reaching home. Others wanted to go someplace and they were waiting for me to get back. And my nephew decided to keep company for uncle. The elders tried to cajole the youngster to go along but the kid stood his ground. Uncle tried to encourage the nephew by promising the others that he will teach the nephew an action song for nursery kids for his school program. Uncle knows the kid absolutely hate this particular song where one is supposed to flap his hands and pretend to be a small sparrow and sing a silly song. But the kid decides to take a chance..

        Before leaving, the elders instruct the kid to be nice and learn the song by the time everyone is back. The kid is watching cartoon on TV and the TV blushes with all that attention from the kid at this moment..

          Evening comes. Now only the nephew and uncle are at home. They decide to fix a couple of drinks. Uncle fix a stiff black coffee. Nephew stand on a chair and fix a black coffee that is stiff in sugar. While the maneuver is on, uncle spill some sugar. Now everyone knows it doesn't look good when a 45 year old uncle spill sugar when a 5 year old kid is around. Uncle implores the kid to own up just for this once. Promises him that if he gets beaten for it, uncle will massage his seat very nicely for all he likes. And what does the kid do? He flatly refuses. Says he knows his mother won't punish uncle anyway...

     Well, that is why I didn't teach anyone any nursery song.

Krishnan Chettan

My brother owns a property in the middle of nowhere. It is basically a rice field with a small portion of it raised, where other stuff is planted. Coconut trees, some vegetables and often, tapioca. These are places where land value is relatively cheaper in my state because it is hard to get to these places. He also owns a plot of rice field in another area.

He doesn’t have experience in farming. So, he has someone to advice him. This is Krishnan Chettan. K is a friend of my dad too. They are all communists. My brother and K are commis, my dad always voted the commis. I like K not because he is a communist. K has a good sense of humor and it is fun talking to him.

K is a small man, with a calm dreamy look about him. He usually has his shirt pocket filled with something or the other. He can talk with the seriousness of a man in his late 60s when he is talking to his peers. Or he can chat with all the eagerness of a child when he talks to a child. He can do both in the same breath. He says he is diabetic but likes a toddy occasionally. He likes to refer to my bro as Muthalali and refers to himself as Thozhilali as if we are all still in the feudal age. (Those terms refers to the Capitalist and the Proletariat roughly, respectively).

One day while working in the field, K got bitten by a snake. He was working and supervising others. He claims it was only a common water snake and not poisonous. But he comes anyway with my dad to the nearest clinic. There they dress the wound and advise K to go to the main hospital. K  nods his assent but once outside the clinic, he says he is not going anywhere. That he doesn’t need to go to the main hospital and be put under 24 hours observation because he is sure the snake was not poisonous. So my dad and K come to our house. They still debate whether to go or not. We advise K that he go and get it looked by the other hospital. K still doesn’t want to go but he looks tired. This could be because of the work and may be he is a bit worried because of everyone nagging him about the hospital. So I decide to take him to the hospital anyway. And off we start on my bike. On the way, I keep talking to him to make sure he is still conscious. We joke about things and make time.

I hear an ssssss sound behind me. I have heard that people that got rabies from mad dogs could make sounds like that of a dog. Could a man bitten by a snake make a sound like the hissing of a snake? I know this is absurd. And I know there can’t be any snakes behind me on a bike going well on the main road. I hear this hissing sound again near my ear. A chill goes down my spine and I ask him sharply not to scare people. He says he is not hissing like a snake to impress me. It is just that the pepper he is chewing is rather too hot to ignore. He should have known better before chewing them, I say. He explains that this is a test to see if the snake was poisonous. If he can still feel the burning in his mouth because of the pepper, he should be okay. Or so goes his theory.

We get to the hospital. He keep reminding me that he doesn’t want to stay in there for a day. Now that we have come this far, I don’t mind him getting stuck in there for a day if needed. We go to the emergency and he is put on a nice reclining chair. There is a huge crowd. Some doctor comes to take his initial checks. No table near by to keep her pressure gauge and she ask me to hold it at level. I am more at ease now, as we are in a hospital and K seems to be doing well so far. I take the gauge, bend in style and hold it with both my hands, like a statue. The doctor keeps a straight face, take K’s readings. K keeps trying to make conversation with the doc politely, saying it’s all good now and could he go home today, please? I now hiss at him “Shhhhhh!” K being the invalid here, doc and me ignore his pleadings. Doc takes her readings and tells me that another doc will soon come to take his blood. K squirms. I like the set up and grin at K. He looks sullen and tries to tell me that we need to talk to the docs and get the checks done and be out soon. I say I have already called for my reliever, if that is any comfort for him.

Other doc comes, take K’s blood and goes to test it. So we wait. I try to brighten him up with jokes when I am not taking in the scenery of beautiful lady doctors and nurses going about their duties. First doc comes back again and tells me that I need to see yet another doc. I see him, and is told that K will have to stay for 24 hours observation. I go to get the paperwork done and by this time, my bro comes. I hand over the case to him, goes to K to tell him the good news that I am going home to have my lunch and the bad news that, his lunch/dinner and next day’s meals he will be enjoying in the hospital. I shoot off when K start reasoning with my bro.

I get home, take a shower and get my lunch. I then call my bro to ask what happened. He says K got discharged already. It’s not very surprising but the details are vague as to how he got away from there. And he reports for duty next morning as if nothing happened.